Restless

I’ve been finding myself getting very restless lately. No matter what I am doing, I always wish to be doing something else. If I am working on my law practice, I want to be writing. If I decide to write on a particular morning, I somehow find something productive I could be doing with my law practice. If I am cooking, I would rather be sitting at a bar, drinking a martini. If I am getting ready to go out to eat, I think about how I could cook something better at home. If I get up and go to yoga, I would rather be in bed. If I am in bed, I would rather be doing yoga. Even my reading has taken a hit–no matter what I am reading, I feel like there is always something different, better I could be reading instead.

The “grass is always greener” syndrome has been a constant companion.

Even sitting down to write this, after calling it quits on a day full of computer frustrations of all shapes and sizes, my mind is racing from one thing to another. Slowing down and enjoying the moment has been a true scarcity of late.

I know I go through different seasons in life. Some seasons are full of reading (like this spring!). Others are full of great food. This recent one has been marked by an inability to be still.

For instance, I started going to a yoga class in June. Initially, I referred to it as a “little old lady” yoga class because the average age in this town is something like 200. I walked into that class a full on yoga bitch. For the next hour I struggled mightily. We began with a twelve minute reclined meditation. I am horrible at meditation. I cannot quiet my mind. You’d think I could relax a little while lying on my back. Nope. Then we did a series of poses. None were terribly challenging, no crow or headstands. Yet we held them all for 5-8 breaths instead of flowing from one to the other one breath at a time like I have been doing in yoga classes and videos for years. I walked out of there a truly humbled individual.

And I didn’t go back for two weeks.

I’ve been going twice a week. I’d like to say that I have improved at meditation, at holding the poses, at being still. But I’d be lying. I am so grateful that there is not a visible thought bubble above my head. (The classes have proved beneficial in another sense because I am more toned than I was previously)

I began this post somewhat in a panic. It’s hard going and going and not feeling like I’m actually getting anything done. But I’ve written myself into finding a way to embrace this restlessness.

I have approached anything I’ve done lately with more energy than I have in quite a while. I have an afternoon slump nearly every day. That’s now the cue to disengage and set the work in progress aside for the day, to pour a glass of wine, and read. Even if I haven’t been finishing many books, I have been reading some great paragraphs and pages. Soaking up language like a sponge.

That’s what I’ll be doing now.

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